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Rachel weeping

Question:

I’m in the same position you mentioned.  My husband and I have only recently allowed ourselves to admit that Michael might be living with us forever more, and have begun to make a Life Plan.  And we fully realize that Mike is one of the really lucky ones.  With our support and financial safety net, he’s going to be able to live an almost normal life, and hopefully even get married some day.  His needs will not be as pressing as those of most of his friends.  I know people who have adopted kids with such severe issues that these kids can’t ever stay home indefinetly.  After living within the typical middle class adoptive home, I, also, believe that they will be very ill-prepared for the reality of life on their own.  And with such limited skills that the public special education system provides, and with few if any programs available for children with attachment issues and behavioral problems, I don’t see sheltered workshops or co-operative living arrangements being in their future.  I’m really lucky in that I’ve got the financial resources to protect Michael for the rest of his life- and that what it will take to protect him will be relatively minimal. -c

Response:

Hi Anne, the book is by Jonathon Kozol and it’s excellent, however- be prepared.  It’s not a pretty characterization of the typical welfare mom.  The women he interviewed are a pretty self-serving lot and pretty much equal to the low standard set for them by the media.  If the book had been written by anyone other than Kozol I would have discounted the research and interviews, but seeing it was written by someone who’s work I deeply respect, I’ve given it a lot of thought over the years.  I’m sorry to say, the book is a pretty fair representation of the people I have encountered in 11 years in the domestic special needs adoption arena.  You’ll see for yourself and let me know your thoughts.  If you want to discuss it, let me know and I’ll reread it to stay with you.

Thanks, Carole. I also have had quite a bit of contact with the "welfare class," particularly single mothers receiving AFDC/TANF. I have no romantic delusions at all about it. I’ve seen far too many young women (and men) who could have made something of themselves fail to do so, and start another generation of using and abusing other people, including their own children. Nothing Dickensian about that. there is no help anywhere for the working poor.  No lawyer steps forward to sue the landlord, nobody comes with new tools.  The world as they knew it is now over forever.  Scary.   One other man who also stayed with me was homeless after he, his elderly mother, and two children lost their apartment because the hospital where he wife died took all their money to pay hospital bills, demanded it and the people were ignorant so they paid the hospital rather than the rent.  Meanwhile, the wife died slowly and he had to tend her and lost his job because of it.  This man was in the book because the food kitchen staff mentioned to the author that he was starving himself to death by giving all his food to his kids.

This is the stuff that makes the heart break. It’s one thing to be poor because a person is lazy, another to be poor because a person just can’t get the breaks. The book was primarily about the children of these marginally functional adults.  Enough sad stories,  read the book.  It’s engrossing and enlightening.

You know, Caroline, I worry about marginally functioning adults. I think about all of the former foster children who, fetally exposed to drugs and alcohol, or who have low IQs, are aging out of the system into a society that only provides marginal help to those of marginal abilities. I worry about the *adopted* children who have to go out into the world, having lived middle-class lives during their childhoods, and who then are capable of sustaining only welfare-class lifestyles. I’m seeing this with many of my peers whose special needs adopted children are now adults. It’s a pressing need among all such struggling families, whether their children are adopted or not, but my guess is that it will become more of an issue only because child advocates start making an issue of it and it becomes a "ex child" welfare issue (ex-child, meaning former child). In other words, it should have been an issue a long time ago, but we’re notorious in America for ignoring the people in our own society who are considered ‘marginal,’ and then going to the ends of the earth to defend the poor starving masses somewhere else. Anne — L. Anne Babb To save energy, do not go out lookin’ for trouble; chances are, it will find you soon enough. (Forrest Gump)

Response:

Anne, there is a book entitled Rachel and Her Children.  It’s about the women of the welfare class who do not relinquish.  The portraly of the children is heartbreaking, the portrayal of the women is gritty, but the information about abandoned fathers trying to raise their children is absolutely heartbreaking.

Really? I haven’t heard of it, but it sounds interesting. Do you know if it’s still in print? Except- there is one quote from the book that always stood out to me.  The woman in the emergency shelter was having her 4th child, and she was angry when the author who was interviewing her suggested that she not have any more children she could not support.  Her reply went something like this, "What, because I’m poor I don’t deserve to have a family, I can’t have kids but YOU can?"  That comment has always stayed with me.

What does this mean to you? I’m wondering if it means that this woman thought it was responsible to bring children she couldn’t support into the world? Anne — L. Anne Babb To save energy, do not go out lookin’ for trouble; chances are, it will find you soon enough. (Forrest Gump)

Response:

Hi Anne, the book is by Jonathon Kozol and it’s excellent, however- be prepared.  It’s not a pretty characterization of the typical welfare mom.  The women he interviewed are a pretty self-serving lot and pretty much equal to the low standard set for them by the media.  If the book had been written by anyone other than Kozol I would have discounted the research and interviews, but seeing it was written by someone who’s work I deeply respect, I’ve given it a lot of thought over the years.  I’m sorry to say, the book is a pretty fair representation of the people I have encountered in 11 years in the domestic special needs adoption arena.  You’ll see for yourself and let me know your thoughts.  If you want to discuss it, let me know and I’ll reread it to stay with you. As for the men.  This was the stuff that I was unaware of and that most affected me deep in my heart.  The men who are homeless with their children are most often widows, and frequently are also responsible for an elderly parent. One man was homeless while his family lived in a shelter.  This man had been a steadily working and productive member of society until the apartment building they lived in burned down.  All his tools were lost, and it was discovered that the landlord had no insurance.  WIthout the tools he could not work, without the work he could not earn enough for more tools, and meanwhile the home was burned and gone, as were all the posessions.  This couple were so beaten by life in general, barely staying afloat in the "good times’ that they had no resources either financial or emotional, to get them through this crisis.  And there is no help anywhere for the working poor.  No lawyer steps forward to sue the landlord, nobody comes with new tools.  The world as they knew it is now over forever.  Scary.   One other man who also stayed with me was homeless after he, his elderly mother, and two children lost their apartment because the hospital where he wife died took all their money to pay hospital bills, demanded it and the people were ignorant so they paid the hospital rather than the rent.  Meanwhile, the wife died slowly and he had to tend her and lost his job because of it.  This man was in the book because the food kitchen staff mentioned to the author that he was starving himself to death by giving all his food to his kids.   The book was primarily about the children of these marginally functional adults.  Enough sad stories,  read the book.  It’s engrossing and enlightening. I’d love to know if you, too, felt the difference between the once-marrieds and the singles was as stark as I felt it was.  There was a clear difference, but was it a bias or facts? -c

Response:

Anne, there is a book entitled Rachel and Her Children.  It’s about the women of the welfare class who do not relinquish.  The portraly of the children is heartbreaking, the portrayal of the women is gritty, but the information about abandoned fathers trying to raise their children is absolutely heartbreaking.

Yeah, it’s by Jonathan Kozol who has given us so many fine works including ON BEING A TEACHER and ILLITERATE (?IN?) AMERICA, AMAZING GRACE and so many more.  For some reason I often confuse J.K. with Nat Hentoff — does anyone else do that? Back to RACHEL AND HER CHILDREN, I guess I’ve just assumed that the book is an allusion to the Biblical Rachel, but don’t recall any specific mention.  Does anyone know for sure?   You all who are reading/writing in this subject might be interested to know that the Dec 8 97 issue of CHRISTIANITY TODAY contains an article by Wendy Murray Zoba, entitled MARY REJOICING, RACHEL WEEPING, which imo contains many interesting tidbits of info, none of them terribly close to the subject of adoption.  Among them: D.A. Carson estimates that the number of boys killed by Herod’s decree might be "perhaps a dozen or so". Parallels to Dostoyevsky’s works. "If … Then, Rachel’s weeping gives voice to God’s own lament over the loss of his children. …" To all, since this isn’t exactly a mainstream publication, let me know if you’d like a copy of the short article.       Sue T.

Response:

 The New Testament story refers us back to Jeremiah 31:15-17, "This is what the Lord says: "A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because her children are no more."  

Norma, for brevity’s sake I snipped most of your beautiful article. I think it was a heartfelt message and appreciated it. The thread caught my attention because I have a book proposal out for a book titled, "Rachel Weeping." Interesting that you’d use those particular words, and nice to see your application. Thank you, Anne — L. Anne Babb For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us; And the government will rest on His shoulders; And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6

Response:

Anne, there is a book entitled Rachel and Her Children.  It’s about the women of the welfare class who do not relinquish.  The portraly of the children is heartbreaking, the portrayal of the women is gritty, but the information about abandoned fathers trying to raise their children is absolutely heartbreaking. Except- there is one quote from the book that always stood out to me.  The woman in the emergency shelter was having her 4th child, and she was angry when the author who was interviewing her suggested that she not have any more children she could not support.  Her reply went something like this, "What, because I’m poor I don’t deserve to have a family, I can’t have kids but YOU can?"  That comment has always stayed with me. -c

Response:

I certainly wasn’t patient while they wandered around "in Egypt" ignoring our love, teachings and traditions, but the rest of Jeremiah promises, "Your children will return to their own land."  And they did.

I agree we need to let our children go.. And not live thru the child.. Today.. I must let the fact that my bson is not searching for me.. I must let that go.  And get on with my life.. Just as I must rejoice when my kept children leave the house.. and start a life on their own cause they can.. And because I did the work well of raising them, so that they are strong enough to do this.. I have faith in the God of my understanding and I have to keep that faith, that He or She is looking after my first born.. Thanks for the message.. Jackie C Remove the J for return mail..new address is

Response:

Holidays are not easy times for those who have experienced loss, especially if it is a loss involving a family member. The images on TV, the cards, the symbols and the greetings are usually filled with the mythology of many traditions, mostly of Consumerism and European Paganism, mingled with a few Christian rites.  December 28 is called "Feast of the Holy Innocents" and remembers the first martyrs of Christendom, the 50-100 babies under the age of 2 that Herod killed trying to eliminate the new "king" he’d heard about. Even Herod’s own relatives weren’t safe from his evil nature–he killed many of them.  The New Testament story refers us back to Jeremiah 31:15-17, "This is what the Lord says: "A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because her children are no more."  Mary and Joseph did what good parents everywhere do–they heeded the warnings and did what was necessary to protect their baby.  The irony is they fled to Egypt, from which Moses, the most famous adopted child in history, had led his people to freedom centuries before this baby’s birth and where Pharoah had also killed innocent babies.  When my oldest children died in the 60s, I didn’t know about this beautiful passage from Jeremiah; but when my two teen-agers in the 80s set us aside and went their own ways I was a Christian and I had this wonderful story on my refrigerator door for two years.  I certainly wasn’t patient while they wandered around "in Egypt" ignoring our love, teachings and traditions, but the rest of Jeremiah promises, "Your children will return to their own land."  And they did.  If Christmas holidays are hard because you’ve had a miscarriage, or placed a child for adoption, or lost a custody battle or your adult child is wandering in Egypt,  tuck this passage in your wallet or purse or stick it on the bulletin board or computer screen.   Many others are with you in spirit. Norma

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