Foster Parents FAQ » Foster Families » Calling Foster Parents Mom & Dad

Calling Foster Parents Mom & Dad

Question:

We have never had kids call us mum and dad but interestingly enough they adopt our extended family with family titles, grandma, cousin, uncle. Our current 14 year old even refers to oure previous charge (who left before he arrived) as his sister I feel whatever as long as they are happy – and it’s polite!! Mike

Response:

I’ve heard from several sources that, as of 1998, there are new tax deductions/credits/something available to foster parents. Does anyone know anything about this?? I’ve heard that you have to submit all reimbursement money as income and show that you provided more than that (by 50%?) to support the child? But, then several people have told me that those are the OLD requirements……. Anyway, just wondering if anyone has "real" info….. Theresa

Response:

Theresa, There is always great confusion on this issue.   My attorney has said that this year there have been some changes.   As long as a child has lived with us for 6 months and we have provided half of their support we may claim them as a dependant and not claim our reimbursement as income.    Last year we had to claim our real expenses and our reimbursement as a charitable donation.    This sounds confusing, sorry!!   No way to make the IRS sound better! Erin

Response:

How usual is it for foster parents to be called mom & dad after 1 month ? Also, how normal is it for a foster mom to call a newborn a differant name than what he is named ? Thank you. Be careful what you wish for, You just might get it.

Response:

We are in the UK too. When the two f kids we o have came to us that we would call each other and refer to each other by our names, Kathy and Jon and our bio kids do the same. We chose this as a means of emphasising for our bio kids that we are their M & D not anyone else’s M & D. They have a lot to put up with as it is without having that bit of them possibly threatened as well. As they are get more used to us etc. they use our names or M & D interchangeably and that’s fine. That is when we know they have their feet well and truly under the table. With our f kids we have only used the names they are usually known by, they seem most comfortable with that and we really don;t see that it matters whether or not it is a nick name or their given name, what ever they want is fine. Nick Beddoe wrote in message <36b7f08b.2285…@usenet.force9.net>…

Jon

Response:

On Mon, 1 Feb 1999 21:57:40 -0600 (CST), betraye…@webtv.net (ib34) wrote: >How usual is it for foster parents to be called mom & dad after 1 month >?

Here in the UK we are called foster carers, the ‘parent’ tag has been dropped. Personally I prefer this as each young person in your care has different ‘needs’, some may want to call you mum or dad, some not. Ideally I would think it should be an agreement based on primarily what the young person feels comfortable with, then your own , the biological family and social workers opinion. >Also, how normal is it for a foster mom to call a newborn a differant >name than what he is named ?

Hmmm… babies are difficult…I think many of us use special names for babies…and they can’t indicate their thoughts on the matter, but I guess there is the point that babies quickly recognise the name they are called. Without the exact circumstances, I shouldn’t really express an opinion, however, if you feel the name is inappropriate, you should tell the foster mum or social worker. >Be careful what you wish for, >You just might get it.

Be carefull what you dream of, it may come back and surprise you.

Response:

Hi, In the 13 kids I have had over three years every one but one ( a 10 year old) has called me mom.     I have no problem with this.    I ususally take in very young kids, to them Mom is the person who changes their diaper and feeds them three squares and as many snacks as they can carry in their little fists.     I usually explain to bio parents that most little kids cannot remember my name, and since everyone else in the house does it…so do they!     Kids at this age do not attach the emotional component to it that we do.    As for calling a baby by a different name, I think we need more information.    I once cared for a baby called "cocaine"…there was no way I was going to keep calling her that!    So I think it simply depends on the situation.. Just my  thoughts! Erin

Response:

We take in very small children also and all of ours have called us mom and dad sometimes as soon as days after they arrive.  As for different names, we had a newborn placed in our care that had the same name as our one year old. We asked the agency if we could call him by a name similar, but not the same.  They explained to birthmom and she understood.  I have also heard of children being called by their middle name, but always with the approval of the agency and sometimes the birthparents.  There have been cases that I have known where the foster parents could be in danger if the birth parents found them or the child and in those cases, the names were changed completely  (these cases are very rare).

Response:

I had a foster child who was calling me Mom 5 minutes after he arrived.  He was 3 and since all of the other kids in the home were calling me Mom, he did too. Mom begins to change in meaning, I think, around 3/4 years old, where Mom becomes a more emotional name rather than just *that* person who does stuff for me. I have only cared for the little ones, 3 and under so I have yet to have a problem.  Altho, when my 2 year old  foster son, who had been with us since he was 2 months old, left to be adopted, we (adoptive Mom and I) struggled with what he would call me.  We transitioned from Mama Janet to Auntie Janet. Janet

Response:

My foster kids have all been young children.  We introduced ourselves to them by first name. But, because there are other young kids in the home who call us mom and dad (our bio kids), they just started calling us that also.  I feel like whatever is comfortable for them is fine with me…..I don’t push one or another. As far as calling the child a different name, I wouldn’t do it (except for in special instances…..like the one who posted that her baby was called "cocaine"…how awful!).  In fact, we call our f-daughter by her nickname and our licensing worker was very concerned about our doing that until we could convince her that she had the nickname before she came to us and didn’t even know her birth name, but everyone called her by her nickname……so I think it is generally discouraged to use different names. Theresa in AZ – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -ib34 wrote: > How usual is it for foster parents to be called mom & dad after 1 month > ? > Also, how normal is it for a foster mom to call a newborn a differant > name than what he is named ? > Thank you. > Be careful what you wish for, > You just might get it.

Response:

One of the foster children we had called us mom and dad, but the bio. parents were very put out by this since this was an active reunification case and their lawyer, in a team meeting, insisted we have her call us something different.  We talked to her about it (she was five) and her bio mom said mommy sherrie was ok but the child would NEVER call me that, always continued to call me mom.  She is now home with her bio parents and is just now calling me Sherrie (we continued contact). – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -ib34 wrote: > How usual is it for foster parents to be called mom & dad after 1 month > ? > Also, how normal is it for a foster mom to call a newborn a differant > name than what he is named ? > Thank you. > Be careful what you wish for, > You just might get it.

Response:

ib34 wrote: > How usual is it for foster parents to be called mom & dad after 1 month > ?

From what I’ve seen at foster parent gathering, if there are other children in the house calling the foster parents "Mom" and "Dad", then younger children will follow suit. We are of an age where "Nana" and "Grandpa" work well. Not one of the birth or adopting parents have felt threatened by that. We often mention, "A child can never have too many grandparents." > Also, how normal is it for a foster mom to call a newborn a differant > name than what he is named ?

Haven’t had too much of this. The only times we have done this is when we are working for transition to an adoptive home. In each of the 3 cases in our home, the new parents have chosen to change the child’s name.  In that case, we started calling the baby the new name long before the move to their new home. > Thank you.

Your welcome, Sarah-Ann

Response:

i’M A FOSTER PARENT IN FL. i DO NOT FEEL THESE CHILDREN SHOULD BE CALLING US MOM AND DAD UNLESS THEY ARE GOING TO BE IN OUR HOME LONG TERM MAYBE EVEN T.P.R.  BUT NOT THESE KIDS THAT WE KNOW  ARE GOING TO GO HOME. IT DOES NOT MATTER WEATHER THESE CHILDREN CALL YOU BY YOUR NAME OR MISS J. AND SO ON  THEY KNOW THAT WE LOVE THEM AND WHAT WE DO FOR THEM. BUT THEY ALSO NEED TO KNOW WHO THERE MOTHER AND FATHER ARE EXSPECIALLY THESE 3 ANS 4 YEAR OLD KIDS THEY NEED TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. AND AS FAR AS CHANGEING THERE NAMES THAT IS NOT RIGHT UNLESS YOU ARE ADOPTING THAT CHILD YOU DO NOT CHANGE THERE NAMES ! YOU CAN HAVE A NICK NAME BUT NATHING ELSE!

Response:

In article <36B81559.A4285…@pacbell.net>,   Brian Badenoch & Sarah-Ann Bishop <bwbad…@pacbell.net> wrote: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I have had a foster child a boy aged 12 years, he asked me to call him son, and he called me dad. I beleve he did not want his friends to know he was in care. I have a long term boy at the moment, he aked me just today if he could take my name. He has no other family as his mother died 4 months ago. Ray Johnson > ib34 wrote: > > How usual is it for foster parents to be called mom & dad after 1 month > > ? > From what I’ve seen at foster parent gathering, if there are other children > in the house calling the foster parents "Mom" and "Dad", then younger > children will follow suit. We are of an age where "Nana" and "Grandpa" work > well. Not one of the birth or adopting parents have felt threatened by that. > We often mention, "A child can never have too many grandparents." > > Also, how normal is it for a foster mom to call a newborn a differant > > name than what he is named ? > Haven’t had too much of this. The only times we have done this is when we > are working for transition to an adoptive home. In each of the 3 cases in > our home, the new parents have chosen to change the child’s name.  In that > case, we started calling the baby the new name long before the move to their > new home. > > Thank you. > Your welcome, > Sarah-Ann

———–== Posted via Deja News, The Discussion Network ==———- http://www.dejanews.com/       Search, Read, Discuss, or Start Your Own    

Response:

I  think  as  with  all things  regarding Foster Parenting  each circumstance must warrent  its  own  evaluation.  I  have had  kids from age  7  to  20   –  all  with  severe  behavorial  and/or  cognitive disorders  of  one  type or  another.  All but  one  has  called  me "mom"  the other one  called  me  "grandma".  The  minimum  number  of other  placements  these  children  have  had  is  7 and  one   has had 20+  -  the  average  being  about 12 different placements  per  child. In  situations  like  this  where  there  has  been  no  stable permanent  adult  present  in  their  lives (also   the  majority have had  parental rights terminated) they  are often  desperately  seeking  to  establish  some  type  of "roots".  I  have  never  solicited or encouraged  one  way or  the other  -  the  chidren  themselves  have  always  asked  if  it  would be  "ok". Also  I  would  like  to  add  that  children coming  from  these  circumstances  rarely ( I’ve  never  encountered one) have boundries.  They  put  adults on  the  same level  as  their peers  and  consequently  demonstrate  little  or  no respect  for anyone  in  authority.  Not  allowing  them  to  call  adults  by  their first  names  seems  to  be  the  beginning of  establishing  a distinction. Simply  by putting  a "ms"  or  "mr"  in  front  of  a  first  name( i.e., Ms Mary – Mr Steve)  not  only  requires  a  level  of  respect, it  also  draws   attention  to  the  child  that  this is  a person  in a  different position  and  creates  an  immediate  boundary. I  have  never  allowed  a  child  to  call me simply  by  my  first name  and  perhaps  that is  why  they  have  opted  to called  me "mom."    My  feeling  is  that whatever  differentiation they  want  to make  is  ok  with  me  as  long  as  they  know  from  the  start  that there  is  one.    

Response:

I’ve only had a few circumstances where the foster children have called us Mom & Dad and those have been with really young kids.  We’ve never once suggested that the children call us that. I will say though, that I do call all the kids "my kids" even when refering to foster children.  The kids have never minded that I do this, and we have discussed it with them. It has to be tough on them to be put into a home where they know no one, and there’s biological kids in the family.  The foster child automatically feels like an outsider in the family but by calling them "my kids" they seem to have a better sense of belonging. So far, with over 20 placements in our home, we’ve never once had a child that objected to us calling them our kid, even when a majority of our placements have been teenagers.  This also makes it easier on the child when we’re out somewhere and we refer to them as our kids, that way we don’t need to explain to other people that the child is in foster care.  The kids seem to enjoy that too, they never have to worry about people feeling bad for them, and are just automatically accepted as part of our family.

Response:

I already responded a few days ago about what our foster children call us (mom and dad…..their choice….we didn’t ask them to call us that). But, also thought I’d share from my own perspective as a prior foster child……I was a foster child myself from age 14 thru high school.  I always called my foster parents mom and dad…..they never asked me to, but never seemed bothered that I did……and I never actually thought they WERE my mom and dad.  Just being able to use the terms gave me a sense of belonging…..and of all my needs, the need to BELONG and feel like someone wanted me somewhere was the biggest of all.  So for me, it implied something entirely different from a biological relationship — and it didn’t take the place of my relationships with bio parents ( still called them mom and dad also).  I still maintain relationships with all of my parents…bio and all fosters…..and still call them all mom and dad.  I even have lots of extra "grandmas" and "grandpas"….and am grateful for all the love I did experience in my foster families.  I know that all children and all families aren’t so fortunate. And, with my younger foster children, even they don’t have trouble differentiating between their two "moms" — my 24mos foster daughter doesn’t speak yet, but we are trying to get her to learn "mama" and she "calls" us both that.  Her 3.5yr old brother calls us both mommy — and when he is talking to one of us about the other, he uses "mommy sue", etc. to clarify the difference. I think kids should be give more credit perhaps.  I’m not saying that all children can or want to use the terms mom and dad…..and I do think that every situation is going to need to be handled uniquely…..and I don’t think that children should be asked or pressured to call foster parents mom and dad…..but I think that it’s certainly OK if they do! Theresa

Response:

Related Posts

Leave a Reply