Foster Parents FAQ » Foster Parent Plan » What should I do now?

What should I do now?

Question:

You need to confirm that the visit with the parents was planned.  If not the case worker needs to be involved and you need to press the issue. Worst case you can get a call block for the parents number from the phone company.   What is the kids take on this?  Realizing that they likely want to go home do they understand why they are in your care?   — Capt NJ Marinaro The PYXIS Group PO Box 866 Key Largo, FL 33037 homepage:  http://pw1.netcom.com/~pyxis/oceantowing.html Netcom – where customer service doesn’t matter

Response:

Thanks to everyone for the excellent advice. I did call the social worker and told him and he must have said something because I did not get any more calls from the mom. I have been making the kids play in the backyard also, just in case. I think that the mother may also feel a little more in control now because it looks like the boys might be going back before school starts in the fall. I love being a foster parent to the kids but hate being a foster parent to the parents. That part is totally different than I thought it would be. I am trying to be objective and not think in terms of me or her, that I am just giving the boys a safe place until she gets her stuff together but it is a struggle. I just look at them when they see their mom and it helps because they love her so much. I am glad to have this list!

Response:

I guess it was ok for the parents to be there because the social worker told me that they are almost ready for home visits next. But I had to pull that much out of him. I really don’t get told much at all. I have to ask first. And then the answers I get are pretty ambiguous. I don’t know if he just doesn’t think to tell me or if they think I shouldn’t know everything. But I am getting more assertive about it! The boys know why they are here. We are their second placement. They are both really bright and quite well behaved. Well a little less well behaved now because I think we have passed the honeymoon period! I try to talk with them and not keep secrets. I also try to make the fact of visitation seem normal to them. It helps that my sister-in-law is divorced and her kids have visitation with their dad and they are really matter of fact about it. I encourge them to talk about their folks. It’s awkward for me but I think it might help them. Paula – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -NJ Marinaro wrote: > You need to confirm that the visit with the parents was planned.  If not > the case worker needs to be involved and you need to press the issue. > Worst case you can get a call block for the parents number from the > phone company. > What is the kids take on this?  Realizing that they likely want to go > home do they understand why they are in your care? > — > Capt NJ Marinaro > The PYXIS Group > PO Box 866 > Key Largo, FL 33037 > homepage:  http://pw1.netcom.com/~pyxis/oceantowing.html > Netcom – where customer service doesn’t matter

Response:

Hello, The main thing to do is report this to the caseworker so that they can document what the mother is doing.  If she was told not to make contact it will need to be known for the case.  If Grandparents are also manipulating things it is also good to know.  A worker needs all your input if put in factual accounts instead of emotions. It helps with the case plan.  What they don’t want is to be put on the defensesive or accused of any wrong doing.  They hate it if they are being whined to by us and the birth family.  Not to say that you are whining by any account.  Just don’t want you to be afraid of being part of the team which you are.  The workers depend on your feedback.  I usually just leave a quick message on their voice mail. I had a parent once follow me trying to find out where the child was.  I ended up having to do a midnight switch with another foster parent to keep the child safe.  I also have caller ID so I can tell who is calling and if it is an unknown caller I always let the answering machine get it until I hear who it is.  It will put you in control of the calls.  With one Grandmother I had to change my phone number because she was so annoying.  I put the computer and fax on that line and got a new one.  Now all she gets is a screech in her ear.  She was calling and threatening me about 3 times a day.  This is not typical though so don’t get discouraged.  These are only 2 examples out of almost 400 kids.  Not bad odds. Good luck to you, keep at it. Pat Schaffner – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Paula Skelly wrote: > This is my first placement. I have two boys both under 9. This last > weekend they had a 12 hour visitation with their grandmother. I packed > their backpacks with their swimsuits and a change of clothing. I found > out after the visit that the Mother and Father were also there and the > kids had been to their home. I don’t know if that was allowed or not but > I don’t want to be snotty about it. Besides the social worker knows how > maniuplative the mother is and probably knew she would be at that > visitation anyway. > The real problem is that she snooped in the boys backpacks and got my > address and phone number and wrote them down! ( I know, stupid me, but I > didn’t want the packs to get lost at school, next time I’ll know > better!) The next day I received a call from her about some nonsense > thing. I just told her that I would see her at visitation and said > goodbye and hung up. The social worker has told her that she calls him > about 3 times a day. This woman does not deal well with reality and I am > afraid she will keep calling me or come over to the house. > My question is, has anyone had this kind of thing happen and how did you > deal with it. Also, how big of a deal should I make of it with the > social worker? > Paula

Response:

Paula Sad but true, she may never get her life together; always remember that,  when you think of the childrens  future.  I went into foster care, thinking I was temporarily helping, only to see parents not even try. It’s hard to watch when you know how badly the children dream of "when we go home". I’ve gotten to saying "if you go home". I don’t want to be one more adult who lies to them.  I don’t know what the judge will say; or  IF he will let them ever return. Paula, that’s the truth. Lin in MI

Response:

We live in a very small town so it is not difficult for the parents of our kids to find out where they are living.  We absolutely do not allow phone calls or visitation at our home.  Most of the parents try to call a first time but we are very firm with them and tell them that all calls and visitations will be arranged through the caseworker.  Our caseworkers are very supportive and back us up on this.  If I were you, I would tell  your caseworkers about your concerns and let them deal with it.  In the meantime, if the families call without your permission, hang up on them.  Eventually, they will get tired f calling.  

Response:

Paula, I agree with Karen’s advice to notify the caseworker right away, so she can talk with parents  and grandmother. Wehad a similiar problem.  We were asked to let the children call their parent once a week. I did not know the parents had caller ID.  They started calling at all hours.  It did stop when the caseworker told them it would hurt them in court if they continued. Lin in MI Good Luck!!

Response:

On Sun, 07 Jun 1998 22:56:04 -0400, Paula Skelly – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -<pske…@mediaone.net> wrote: >This is my first placement. I have two boys both under 9. This last >weekend they had a 12 hour visitation with their grandmother. I packed >their backpacks with their swimsuits and a change of clothing. I found >out after the visit that the Mother and Father were also there and the >kids had been to their home. I don’t know if that was allowed or not but >I don’t want to be snotty about it. Besides the social worker knows how >maniuplative the mother is and probably knew she would be at that >visitation anyway. >The real problem is that she snooped in the boys backpacks and got my >address and phone number and wrote them down! ( I know, stupid me, but I >didn’t want the packs to get lost at school, next time I’ll know >better!) The next day I received a call from her about some nonsense >thing. I just told her that I would see her at visitation and said >goodbye and hung up. The social worker has told her that she calls him >about 3 times a day. This woman does not deal well with reality and I am >afraid she will keep calling me or come over to the house. >My question is, has anyone had this kind of thing happen and how did you >deal with it. Also, how big of a deal should I make of it with the >social worker? >Paula

Paula, You did not do anything wrong. We have been f/p for a long time now and have never offered our telephone number to the bio-parents until the case was almost finished and the children were going home. One other thing, our telephone number is listed, our address is not. You should let the case worker know right away so he/she can run interference for you. That mother has no business calling you and those grandparents can be removed from visitation priviledges for allowing the parents to be there, if it was without caseworker’s knowledge or OK. Keep the caseworker informed of EVERYTHING and cover yourself. Above all, don’t be discouraged. These are dysfunctional, broken families foster parents deal with. Karen

Response:

This is my first placement. I have two boys both under 9. This last weekend they had a 12 hour visitation with their grandmother. I packed their backpacks with their swimsuits and a change of clothing. I found out after the visit that the Mother and Father were also there and the kids had been to their home. I don’t know if that was allowed or not but I don’t want to be snotty about it. Besides the social worker knows how maniuplative the mother is and probably knew she would be at that visitation anyway. The real problem is that she snooped in the boys backpacks and got my address and phone number and wrote them down! ( I know, stupid me, but I didn’t want the packs to get lost at school, next time I’ll know better!) The next day I received a call from her about some nonsense thing. I just told her that I would see her at visitation and said goodbye and hung up. The social worker has told her that she calls him about 3 times a day. This woman does not deal well with reality and I am afraid she will keep calling me or come over to the house. My question is, has anyone had this kind of thing happen and how did you deal with it. Also, how big of a deal should I make of it with the social worker? Paula

Response:

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