Foster Parents FAQ » Foster Parents » Am I a wicked step mother? (long)

Am I a wicked step mother? (long)

Question:

Manadero wrote: > Any suggestions on how to do this while we’re all at the house?  She doesn’t > want to leave Daddy’s side to do anything and if I get her alone she just cries > and carries on about how she misses her mommy.

I’ve been thinking about this.  She’s eight, right?  These are some ideas for things she can do with you.  Dad should go do something boring. 1.      Does SD have her own room at your house?  You might get a bunch of stuffed animals (at garage sales –those things are expensive) and put them in a basket in your closet.  Then when SD is home following Dad around you go into her room and take the basket with you. You laboriously arrange and re-arrange the stuffed animals on her bed –no, let’s try the shelves — no, let’s try the floor –no, how about baskets hung on the walls — and keep it up until she comes to tell you you’re doing it wrong.  Stuffed animals are good because you can point out that one of them looks sad and say it probably misses its mother, etc.  What might help it feel better?  When SD tells you, do that for her. 2.      How about cooking?  If you clank around making something involving a lot of sugar she might come to investigate.  Gingerbread people are good, especially if you have lots of currants and sprinkles and other decorating things to use.  Then you also have the little people there for "indirect communication."  They look sad, they miss their moms, their parents got divorced.  Don’t flip out when she makes gingerbread twins and smashes them. 3.      Dressing up.  You sit down to "mend" some really sparkly, gaudy clothes (garage sales & thrift stores again) and this requires you to wave pretty scarves and tiaras around.  You then get inspired to make doll clothes to match.  Or something.  She comes to investigate.  The dolls look sad, etc. . . 4.      Do you ever rent videos?  Don’t get Disney –they’re always killing off a parent, and there are scary villains.  After months of forbidding it I let my daughter watch "Spice World," and she loves it.  It’s about five young women who DON’T have boyfriends and DO have fun together singing.  They have a friend who is pregnant, though, and whose baby’s father has disappeared.  There is a ridiculous birth scene and some naughty sexual references, but nothing like what I’d imagined until I screened it.   If you were to sit down and watch this (oh, the things we do for love), SD might be lured over to see it, too.  If you can stand it, get up and pretend to dance and sing with them.  (How’s your foot?  Better, I hope.)  Ask which one she likes best?  Choose Baby Spice.  Say, "I wonder whether their moms and dads come to their concerts?  I bet they miss them . . ." Whatever you do it has to be something you can stand to do yourself, even if it doesn’t get her attention.  Eventuallly something will. Things that make a mess are best.  If it’s actually something you LIKE to do and can share with her, that’s great. And if Dad would co-operate you could use his attention as a reinforcer for relaxing with you.  When she manages to spend a peaseful moment of slightly longer than usual duration, he smiles at her and they go away together.  Ick, I know –your reward for good work is that you lose your husband, for a while at least, and are left with two babies to care for by yourself. BUT in the long run maybe it could help. Best wishes to you all!

Response:

I find it very useful to vent, complain, and listen to other people with stories like –or worse than– mine.  It helps me NOT to pour it all out to my dear good husband.  When I rant at him, he closes up.  When I’m more easygoing, he often says and does many of the things I once urged fruitlessly. More encouraging words follow. Manadero wrote: > >It’s not clear from this post how committed you feel toward parenting > >your step-daughter.  What was your relationship like before you married > >her dad? > I would like to be more of a parent towards her but it is really hard.  I think > it’s true what they say about "growing with your kids" because I have no > experience with kids this age and frankly with twin infants have little time > left over to worry about it much.

It may get easier when your babies get to the age that SD was when you met her.  I felt a huge boost in confidence with my SS, once my daughter turned 6 and 1/2 (the age he was when I met him).  All of a sudden it was like I understood more of hw he’d gotten to where he was.  He didn’t seem quite so big and mysterious.  (You know, how when you have a newborn little bitty 3-month-old babies look so BIG?) > > For myself, I find it easier to think of myself as having TWO > >children — > That’s admirable – wish we could be this way….My DH constantly reminds me > that she isn’t mine.  (Especially when I try to work out some of the obvious > emotional distress she’s suffering from…….-reads "interfering".)

Ouch!  It’s hard enough being sweet to someone without DH putting more distance between you.  But she is yours –she’s YOUR step-daughter.  And she’s YOUR babies big sister.  If you let him take over "reforming" her, maybe he’ll chill out.  It was a huge triumph for me when, finally, during negotiations over some new privilege my SS wanted, I said, "Well, I think Daddy’s right. . ." and SS said, "What!  But you’re always on MY side!"  It would be ideal not tp have "sides," of course, but if he insists on seeing things that way I want to be on his team! > > A little kitty!  And I would pick it up and love it and promise to > >keep it forever and take care of it.  Boy, did that get old! > Oh boy…. you must have the patience of a saint!

No, just of a Mom! > >I’ll let you know that she’s now a well-balanced, happy 10-year-old with > >high grades, lots of chores, and soccer and swimming medals. > Oh please let this happen to her – if we go out to eat she can’t unwrap the > burger for herself. > I don’t know about at home… but she is not expected to do anything for > herself as long as "Daddy" is there to do it for her!

This will go on for a while, I bet.  But eventually she’ll be 12.  And then I don’t think there’s anything (other than making large sums of money) that they want you to do for them.  If she needs Daddy’s enslavement as reassurance right now, I’d let her have it.  I’d maybe compete a little bit for Slave status.  The twins will get over it.  By the time they’re big enough to notice, she’ll have grown out of the worst of it. > >And your marriage will be so much happier if you can > >sympathize with your husband’s need to love and be loved by his eldest > >child. > O.K. but it’s very hard to become "just that person that hangs around to cook > for and clean up after us every other weekend"  I seem to lose all status the > minute she walks in the door.

I know how that is.  I used to say to my DH, "You know, you can’t really afford me as a babysitter."  Meaning that, having given up a whopping salary to stay home with the children, I’d better have parental authority if it was going to be worth while.  It got better.  But not until both DH and SS trusted me to love SS. > >you wre to focus on ways to help her feel better –like > >the bribery and time alone with Dad suggested above, and other things to > >help her feel loved and included in your house– he might be better > Any suggestions on how to do this while we’re all at the house?  She doesn’t > want to leave Daddy’s side to do anything and if I get her alone she just cries > and carries on about how she misses her mommy.

Well, sypathizing while she misses Mommy is probably a good start.  This is hard, because what are you, chopped liver?  But there it is.  She may be testing to be sure that she’s allowed to love her mom.  I used to attribute ALL nastiness for a couple of days to "missing your mom" or "missing your dad."  Then they felt safer about loving both parents. > >Well, maybe they do.  Your husband probably does feel somewhat better > >about being a Bad Dad when she’s clutching him.  But he married you, > >right?  He likes women like you. > I sure hope so! <VBG>  I have made the point to him that he enjoys her > clinging.  He seems to think she’ll outgrow it.  Do you think so?  I just > envision her at 16 – being very promiscuous because she has such a needy, > dependant nature.

I think she will grow out of it.  AND I think you’re right to worry about sexual acting out when she’s older.  The good news in the research I’ve read is that the ones who take it hard at first are less likely to flame out in adolescence.  And I think that anxiety over whether her Dad loves her is more likely to lead to premature sexual activity.  I’d let her get as much reassurance now, in whatever form she needs, with the idea of preventing that. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Thanks for all you input! > Tina

Response:

>It’s not clear from this post how committed you feel toward parenting >your step-daughter.  What was your relationship like before you married >her dad?

I would like to be more of a parent towards her but it is really hard.  I think it’s true what they say about "growing with your kids" because I have no experience with kids this age and frankly with twin infants have little time left over to worry about it much. > For myself, I fid it easier to think of myself as having TWO >children —

That’s admirable – wish we could be this way….My DH constantly reminds me that she isn’t mine.  (Especially when I try to work out some of the obvious emotional distress she’s suffering from…….-reads "interfering".) > A little kitty!  And I would pick it up and love it and promise to >keep it forever and take care of it.  Boy, did that get old!

Oh boy…. you must have the patience of a saint!   >I’ll let you know that she’s now a well-balanced, happy 10-year-old with >high grades, lots of chores, and soccer and swimming medals.

Oh please let this happen to her – if we go out to eat she can’t unwrap the burger for herself. I don’t know about at home… but she is not expected to do anything for herself as long as "Daddy" is there to do it for her! >And your marriage will be so much happier if you can >sympathize with your husband’s need to love and be loved by his eldest >child.

O.K. but it’s very hard to become "just that person that hangs around to cook for and clean up after us every other weekend"  I seem to lose all status the minute she walks in the door. >you wre to focus on ways to help her feel better –like >the bribery and time alone with Dad suggested above, and other things to >help her feel loved and included in your house– he might be better

Any suggestions on how to do this while we’re all at the house?  She doesn’t want to leave Daddy’s side to do anything and if I get her alone she just cries and carries on about how she misses her mommy.   >Well, maybe they do.  Your husband probably does feel somewhat better >about being a Bad Dad when she’s clutching him.  But he married you, >right?  He likes women like you.  

I sure hope so! <VBG>  I have made the point to him that he enjoys her clinging.  He seems to think she’ll outgrow it.  Do you think so?  I just envision her at 16 – being very promiscuous because she has such a needy, dependant nature. Thanks for all you input! Tina

Response:

Oh, tina, of course you’re not wicked!  Or, if you want to look at it another way, we’re all wicked.  Anyway there’s nothing you’re feeling that I, at least, haven’t felt.  So here’s my $.02 from my experience. Manadero wrote: > Hello all, I have been lurking for awhile now and I am hoping that some of you > more experienced step parents can help me with my problem. > History : I have been married for 2 1/2 years to DH.  We have 18 month old > twins (definitely honeymoon babies! Also my only children)

Congratulations!  Your honeymoon really "took!" It’s not clear from this post how committed you feel toward parenting your step-daughter.  What was your relationship like before you married her dad?  For myself, I fid it easier to think of myself as having TWO children –my daughter and my step-son.  I’m sure others have different views.  For me, it helps ease some of the internal conflict caused by the fact that, sometimes, what’s best for my step-son is not so good for my daughter. >My DH has been > divorced for 5 years (I met him 1 1/2 years after the breakup) He has one > ex-wife who I am on reasonably good terms with :)

Good!  Keep it that way!  It’s good that their break-up is not attributable to you.  But you might keep in mind that your SD, and maybe her mom, might see it differently.  Remember that all the protective feelings you have about your babies, Biomom has about your step-daughter. >and one 8 year old daughter who is quickly becoming the bane of my existence :(

Well,  the "becoming" is a good sign, too.  Because it sounds as though, maybe, you got along ok for a while anyway.  And boy do I remember my own wicked step-mother past.  In the Grimm fairytale, "The Firebird," there’s a step-mother who notices that "wherever her step-child is, that’s just where she was about to step."  The step-chld is always in the most inconvenient place.  Hey –they don’t get to be archetypes for nothing. > My problem is this:  DHs daughter is a very different personality type than I – > I am the strong willed, independent type and she is the cutesy, fluffy, > helpless type – which is irritating as hell :) . i.e. this summer we had a litter of puppies and she refused to play with them because they "might get her dirty"  Good Grief!

It’s even harder when you don’t feel a sense of identity with your stepchild. > At 8 years old, she cries at the drop of a hat (this last visit she teared up because she pushed herself up on the sofa using my injured foot as a brace and I asked her not to hurt my foot) She will  also cry for extended periods of time because she "misses people"  her mother and stepfather are understandable – but she also cries because she misses her daycare, extended relatives that she very rarely sees, etc.

I’ll bet she’s crying because she’s lost her parents’ marriage, her dad fell in love with someone else just when she was falling in love with him (she was 3 or 4, right?), and now he has new babies who take him away even more.  This kid is grief-stricken. > She also sucks her thumb.  I mean literally walks around/ watches tv etc…. > sucking away on her thumb. (this *can’t* be normal)

Well, it may be normal for someone who’se been severely traumatized. And she has been.  Your marriage may hvae a lot of benefits for her in the long run.  But it’s a huge loss for her, too.  And 2 1/2 years isn’t long enough to get over that even when the new stepmother DOESN’T have twins. My daughter (D) was five when I married her step-father, my step-son’d dad.  D not only sucked her thumb and chewed her nails AND WET HER BED and cried for three years –she also used to turn into a "little kitty."  It was a game she would play for HOURS, in which she would curl up into a little ball, and I would find her on my doorstep in a big package with a bow . . .and unwrap the package. . . and it would be . . . A little kitty!  And I would pick it up and love it and promise to keep it forever and take care of it.  Boy, did that get old! I’ll let you know that she’s now a well-balanced, happy 10-year-old with high grades, lots of chores, and soccer and swimming medals.  But she took a time-out from life for about two yeras after her dad left –and then I remarried and out came another two years.  Just about ALL her development for the last six years came all at once between ages 8 and 10.  And my husband and I haven’t had any new baby, let alone twins. > She follows my H around the whole time she’s with us (waits for him outside of > the bathroom) and when we play with the babies she will act out and step on > their toys or take them from them. > Anything I ask her to do she either pretends not to hear or asks the ever > infuriating question "Did Daddy say I have to"?   AAAACCCCKKKKK!

Oh, I know.  You are absolutely within your rights if you say, "Well, I say you have to, so get cracking."  I used to rub it in a bit more than that, and say, "Daddy and I agree about what’s good for you.  We can talk about it all together later, but right now you need to do what I said." On the other hand, if Daddy DOESN’T say she has to, what do you want to do?  You might try just skipping it.  Maybe you could leave the twins at home with Dad somtimes and go out for girltime.  It might be gaggy –what would she like, shopping for Barbies?  Eeeuww!  But I would throw my scruples to the winds, if I were you, and bribe her away from Dad to be with you and have fun.  Avoid all authority confrontations and cater to her basest desires.  Giggle about poopy babies, stuff like that. It would also be good to make sure she has time alone with her father. That will be tough on you, because how often do YOU get to see him? It’s really hard with little ones to make time for this.  But she needs it so much!  And your marriage will be so much happier if you can sympathize with your husband’s need to love and be loved by his eldest child. > I realize that this little girl has some very deep emotional scars and is having a very hard time adjusting to 2 new parents

2 new parents?  I missed this.  Is mom remarried too?  Jeez! Thumb-sucking is NOTHING! and 2 new siblings – and I > think she needs help          BUT…………….. > Whenever I mention the possibility of this to DH he gets very angry and tells > me that it’s none of my business, that I am only pointing these things out > because I don’t love her like I do my own children…..

Well, probably you DON’T love her as you do your new children.  For one thing they’re babies.  For another, even bio-moms of more than one child have told me that they found their older children a little revolting when they had new ones.  This is natural.  In birds, the first ones to get hatched push the younger ones out of the nest.  It’s no joke –they really are competing for the same resources.  Especially Dad.  that he can’t possibly > make any difference since he only sees her 4 days a month!.

Well, that’s dumb.  Of course he can. But he understandably doesn’t want to see this as "something wrong with SD."  And, IMHO, it’s not.  It’s something wrong with her world.  I think that if you wre to focus on ways to help her feel better –like the bribery and time alone with Dad suggested above, and other things to help her feel loved and included in your house– he might be better able to hear you. >  I realize that my DH carries tremendous guilt about this child.

Oh, yes, he does.  I have the most loving and wonderful husband in the world, and he’s here to help my daughter in ways her biodad never could have been.  And I love my step-son, and this is a good family.  DH and I are totally committed to raising our children well.  AND, I still find myself consumed with guilt over bringing these two guys into her life. Usually I deal with it well, but when there’s a real conflict between her needs and one of theirs I can be in agony for days.  DH needs your sympathy and understanding on this one. > And whenever she’s around – the whole household must be put on hold…..What does ****** want for dinner?  What does ******* want to watch on tv?  Oh poor baby, if you > do not want what is available for breakfast Daddy will take you and buy you > whatever you want!  He also seems to favor her over our children when she’s > here.  Plays less with them, gives her treats in front of them etc.  As for me? >  Forget it!  I got exactly one hug during her last visit (DH is usually very > demonstrative)  When I ask him why he is so permissive he tells me that she > doesn’t have the benefit of such luxuries at home and so he is obligated to > provide them here. > That is he can’t help foster an independant spirit in only 4 days but he can > sure make up for the fact that she doesn’t get chocolate milk for *every* meal > the other 25 days of the month!  Geeeeeeeeeez.

Yeah, it’s dumb.  And he should cut it out.  And, it will be easier for him to do it if you can bite your tongue for a while on this.   > I am tired of trying to "step" in and make some sense of all of this.  Not only > do her "real" parents not seem to mind her developmental problems but they > encourage her to be that way! (I think on some level my DH finds her "devotion" > to him flattering) > After every visit I have to fight with my husband because I have undoubtedly > said something that offended her "delicate" sensibilites.  He will even tell me > that I am a "wicked step-mother" .  Please give me any advice you can.  Should > I just leave them alone and let them ruin this child?  

Don’t just leave them alone.  But back off trying to improve her.  Just try to comfort her and win her over, and they’ll step in again. I hate to say this but – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> at the rate she’s going she is going to make someone a wonderful > housewife.(nothing against housewives if it is by choice and not because you > are not suitable for anything else)  Her parents don’t seem to think it is > important for her to be self sufficient

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