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Does somebody feel the same way?

Question:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Being alone, I know that feeling. I guess the best medicine for this problem is a good dose of Darwinism. Being alone or being with people is all a matter of perception. The truth of life can best be learned from the discovery channel’s documentaries on animals. Have you ever sat down and tried to learn from watching animals? There is a lot to be said for it. The sad truth is that some little  cute weak baby animals get eaten by predators. We sometimes get so into our feelings, so into our loses and our problems that usually are based on the classical romantic fantasy of a perfect life, perfect family, perfect peace and happiness etc. I guess these last sentences are the way that I am trying to deal with it all. Ya my circumstances were far from ideal. But at the same time it is not a reflection on my inherent sense of worth as a human. Maybe no one really cares if I succeed and find happiness (besides myself that is). My amom, my bmom both let me down to some degree. It does not mean that either of them did not love me as much as they both were human too, both were not dealing with perfect circumstances that would allow them to always make the best decisions. Hell, I have made some decisions that have hurt others too. Regardless, I am trying to be responsible to me for my life and my future. I don’t want to become an angry isolated mass murderer who hates all happiness etc. Cliff, I didn’t agree with a lot of the other stuff you were saying, but this is brilliant (and a lesson a good number of people around here would do well to learn!). – DonFor those of us who did not have the priveldege of meeting Dr. Marshall

National Convention in Kansas City, try to find ANYTHING on his research that is in print. He had, for many years (1981) been Director of the Child Psychiatry Dept. for the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine. His research came to revolve around adoptees and birthparents, because his wife was an adoptee. If you folks would like to "hard copy" his address I will take the time to print it for you. Was it ever an eye opener! I would, of course, print an edited version, but he did give me permission to reprint. (At that time I published a national newsletter.) Basically, it is about being a "chosen child" and how this (sub-consciously) affects adoptees entirely differents than the social workers and adopted parents intended. And his last statement is, "The Jews were the chosen children of God, and look what happened to the

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Being alone, I know that feeling. I guess the best medicine for this problem is a good dose of Darwinism. Being alone or being with people is all a matter of perception. The truth of life can best be learned from the discovery channel’s documentaries on animals. Have you ever sat down and tried to learn from watching animals? There is a lot to be said for it. The sad truth is that some little  cute weak baby animals get eaten by predators. We sometimes get so into our feelings, so into our loses and our problems that usually are based on the classical romantic fantasy of a perfect life, perfect family, perfect peace and happiness etc. I guess these last sentences are the way that I am trying to deal with it all. Ya my circumstances were far from ideal. But at the same time it is not a reflection on my inherent sense of worth as a human. Maybe no one really cares if I succeed and find happiness (besides myself that is). My amom, my bmom both let me down to some degree. It does not mean that either of them did not love me as much as they both were human too, both were not dealing with perfect circumstances that would allow them to always make the best decisions. Hell, I have made some decisions that have hurt others too. Regardless, I am trying to be responsible to me for my life and my future. I don’t want to become an angry isolated mass murderer who hates all happiness etc.

Cliff, I didn’t agree with a lot of the other stuff you were saying, but this is brilliant (and a lesson a good number of people around here would do well to learn!). – Don

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Being alone, I know that feeling. I guess the best medicine for this problem is a good dose of Darwinism. Being alone or being with people is all a matter of perception. The truth of life can best be learned from the discovery channel’s documentaries on animals. Have you ever sat down and tried to learn from watching animals? There is a lot to be said for it. The sad truth is that some little  cute weak baby animals get eaten by predators. We sometimes get so into our feelings, so into our loses and our problems that usually are based on the classical romantic fantasy of a perfect life, perfect family, perfect peace and happiness etc. I guess these last sentences are the way that I am trying to deal with it all. Ya my circumstances were far from ideal. But at the same time it is not a reflection on my inherent sense of worth as a human. Maybe no one really cares if I succeed and find happiness (besides myself that is). My amom, my bmom both let me down to some degree. It does not mean that either of them did not love me as much as they both were human too, both were not dealing with perfect circumstances that would allow them to always make the best decisions. Hell, I have made some decisions that have hurt others too. Regardless, I am trying to be responsible to me for my life and my future. I don’t want to become an angry isolated mass murderer who hates all happiness etc. Cliff, I didn’t agree with a lot of the other stuff you were saying, but this is brilliant (and a lesson a good number of people around here would do well to learn!).

Having had a "perfect life", Don, that’s easy for you to say, I also really liked Cliff’s post.  I try to look at things objectively, especially when it’s something personal and so easily blurred by emotion.  Although I too often apply the "Darwinian approach" to problems, at times I find it too fatalistic.  Does the wildebeest have free will?  To what extent can the lemming exercise foresight and resist teeming over the cliff? Can a lion show mercy having been taught by its parents that the way to deal with most animals is to hunt them down and kill them?  Some people were taught the emotional equivalent of these things.  Humans can overcome the purely animal, the conditioned response, can’t we?  I hope we can.   It’s important to try hard not to hurt other people just because you yourself were hurt and not to get into a cycle of abusive relationships.  Don, since you are unable to relate to the sense of  alienation, betrayal and outrage at having been both adopted and abused, it does ring rather hollow to hear you lecture others with your pablum of "don’t worry, be happy".   Hey, did you get my postcard? Damsel Bastard Nation Sub-Commandante for Public Relations BASTARD NATION  http://www.crl.com/~omatic/bastard/

Response:

When I was four years old, i was taken away from my mother, because of neglect, and abuse.             For many years i struggled with identity.  i had one best friend all through high school.  She was an only child, and she had a great relationship with her mother and father.  She still does.  I found myself, when I was younger, spending alot of time with her family.

How can they understand?? i feel like nobody can , or ever will.  My abrothers and sisters have a real father who is alive, and they share with me the loss of their mother.

I think you have a good point. Nobody can truly understand your circumstances. It is the same with me. Even though we share similarities. I was abused adopted abused etc. But each case has some differences. I am thirty, I have met my bparents and still it does not really help me feel like i am a part of anything. I see my bmom and my half sisters and brother and all i feel like is that I am on the outside looking in. I know that they do care for me to some degree, but nothing has healed the pain and fear and isolation that I grew up with. I struggle to settle down with a woman, try to find someone that I can share my life with and the problems persist. I am not saying that this is your fate too, its just the way things have worked out for me. I have had a good life though. I have always listened to my heart and have done the things that I have always wanted to do. I have learned to take care of myself to some degree. But I am highly suspicious of the women I date and get close to. I wait for them to come out of their shells so I can see how they will treat me. Usually it takes a few months and then I find something that convinces me that they are not to be trusted. Many times however, I think I am way more sensitive than  the average.              i feel as though I am very alone in this great world.   Sometimes I wake up, and do things as i should.  Most days, though, i wake up, and i don’t know who I am.

Being alone, I know that feeling. I guess the best medicine for this problem is a good dose of Darwinism. Being alone or being with people is all a matter of perception. The truth of life can best be learned from the discovery channel’s documentaries on animals. Have you ever sat down and tried to learn from watching animals? There is a lot to be said for it. The sad truth is that some little  cute weak baby animals get eaten by predators. We sometimes get so into our feelings, so into our loses and our problems that usually are based on the classical romantic fantasy of a perfect life, perfect family, perfect peace and happiness etc. I guess these last sentences are the way that I am trying to deal with it all. Ya my circumstances were far from ideal. But at the same time it is not a reflection on my inherent sense of worth as a human. Maybe no one really cares if I succeed and find happiness (besides myself that is). My amom, my bmom both let me down to some degree. It does not mean that either of them did not love me as much as they both were human too, both were not dealing with perfect circumstances that would allow them to always make the best decisions. Hell, I have made some decisions that have hurt others too. Regardless, I am trying to be responsible to me for my life and my future. I don’t want to become an angry isolated mass murderer who hates all happiness etc. Maybe I will never relate to the Osmond mentality of a perfect family complete with toothy smiles, purple socks and screaming fans. But I think the whole notion of that is just a bunch of shit. I guess I am rambling on a bit too much. I guess what I have written is some of my feelings and coping mechanisms. If anything strikes you as interesting please write me on back. all the best to you Phyllis Cliff PS Just by knowing that you are going to school, that you are thinking rather than running from your life and its questions is a very hopefull sign that you will get what you want someday.               Just recently, i started reading a book, Motherless Daughters.  it has done a lot for me.  I don’t know who to turn to, and I would really like to start talking to this group, for a better ; understanding of myself.                        Thanks for reading this very long message!!                                                   Phyllis

– there are many called, but few are chosen. And why are they not chosen? Because their hearts are set so much upon the things of this world… resist materialism, resist political dogma, resist the media

Response:

        Hello,              I have been reading some of the dialogue from this group for a while.  I have a hard time dealing with certain feelings that I have on an everyday basis, nevermind putting them into words, and sending them to people I don’t know.  I am twenty years old, I attend Stonybrook University, New York.  When I was four years old, i was taken away from my mother, because of neglect, and abuse.  I have an older brother- whom I belkieve stayed with my grandmother.  I was brought to a foster home, and I kept my last name until i was 11.  At 11 , I was adopted , by the foster mother who was taking care of me, and her new husband.  My last name went from Almalfitano, to Kessler.  i was very confused, and I did not get along with my amother very well.  At 13 years old, my amother passed away.  About 6 months later, my afather passed away.  I stayed with my asister, my amother- hjad six natural children, much older than I.               For many years i struggled with identity.  i had one best friend all through high school.  She was an only child, and she had a great relationship with her mother and father.  She still does.  I found myself, when I was younger, spending alot of time with her family.   Finally one day I became really angry, because her mother called me her adopted mother.  I went on and on to my friend about how her family belittled me.  The truth of the matter is that they were just ntrying to help me fit in.. I went through stagees, where <i wanted to fit into her family, and then I wanted it to be clear that I would never be a part of her family.  Even now at twenty years old, I feel very much isolated from the people who are around me.  I listen to people complain about their parents, or praise them – and I wait for the dreaded question to come around to me.  What happened to your parent?  It’s a long story..  Oh.. I am so sorry… That must have been hard for you… I give a faint smile, but my blood pressure sky rockets, and I want to yell at that person for putting me on the spot.  How can they understand?? i feel like nobody can , or ever will.  My abrothers and sisters have a real father who is alive, and they share with me the loss of their mother.  I have an alittle borother, who is the only other asibling.  he was adopted when he was  one day old.  he shares the grief of the loss of our aparents, but he is 15, and deals with hius thoughts privately.              i feel as though I am very alone in this great world.   Sometimes I wake up, and do things as i should.  Most days, though, i wake up, and i don’t know who I am.  I look at friends who look like their family, and i know I look like noone.  I doremember visiting my bmother , when i was about 8, at Siocial Services.  I remember noticing our similarities, I do not care to see her again.                 Just recently, i started reading a book, Motherless Daughters.  itr has done alot for me.  I don’t know who to turn to, and I would really like to start talking to this group, for a better understanding of myself.                        Thanks for reading this very long message!!                                                   Phyllis

Response:

Phyllis, My experience as an adoptee don’t relate to anything that you have said but I am writing this to encourage you in this way:  You found the right place to vent these feelings.  This newsgroup has been very helpful to me so far in my short time dealing with the knowledge of being an adoptee.  I only found out that my afather was not my bfather about 3 months ago as I approached the age of 48.   I just wanted to tell you to keep coming back to this area and read and write as much as you need to.  I wish you peace. Paul

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