Foster Parents FAQ » Foster Parents » rights and privileges

rights and privileges

Question:

You asked me to reply to this e-mail, but my reader cut off the header, so I don’t have your address. The author of the original note was asking about the relationship between birthmothers and adoptive mothers.  That is why I wrote exclusively about that very relationship. As for the contact I have with my child, we are playing it by ear.  I had raised my son for 2 years before I signed the adoption papers.  We felt that it might be too confusing for him if I were to have visits with him.  The last thing we wanted was to inflict emotional pain and confusion on him.  It also would’ve been difficult for me emotionally. During the past few months I have spoken with him on the phone twice, the first being the first time since his placement 1-1/2 years ago.  It went wonderfully both times.  He is told that I am his birthmother, although he doesn’t really have a concept of what that word means as he is not quite 4 years old. I am sure that there will come a time when we all feel comfortable about trying a "visit", as long as my son wants it, and see how it goes.  But at this fragile age, we don’t want to threaten his sense of security. He has adjusted extremely well and is very happy.  It is impossible to know what effect his seeing me might have on him, if any at all.  If he remembers me, he might think that I am going to take him away, even if it is subconsciously.  We would rather wait until the odds are better that it wont cause any problems for him. Janet ___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Newsgroups: alt.adoption Path: aio!bcm!cs.utexas.edu!swrinde!emory!news-feed-2.peachnet.edu!ukma!lunatix! becca Organization: Lexington Public Access UNIX -KY- (606)269-0992 X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2] Lines: 42 : I am comforted to know that my son will never have to wonder about his : heritage, wonder whether his b-parents loved him or not.  I am also : truly comforted in knowing that I have placed my precious son in the : hands of parents who are so thoughtful, loving and nurturing. : Janet : Ok but why all the second hand accounts? Do you have a relation ship with your : child?  I get the feeling from your post that your child has never met you is : this fair for him/her.  You get an open adoption but what about the child? Do : they just get a box of letters? I think there is something here that you don’t understand.  Take a few minutes to think about the confusing messages you would be sending to a child, introducing him to his birth mother.  I feel that we’d be opening the door to some potentially very serious problems for the adoptee.  His/Her position in the family, security and ‘place’ in the family could be threatened, in his own perception.  All the support and love in the world cannot guarantee that a child will accept the fact that he is in a secure environment when a _second_ mother arrives on the scene. I am an adoptee, and have had a letter to the agency I was adopted through sitting in my files for four years, since I was 25.  That’s the age in Tennessee at which time birth records can be opened.  I am still not ready to mail that letter, and I feel that _I_ am _the only person_ who should have a voice in that decision. You imply that not having a relationship with your birth mother would be some kind of short change situation.  I completely disagree.  A child only requires one set of parents, and if, eventually, the birth parents are located, a good situation can be made even better.  But please, please don’t subject the adoptees to things that they cannot possibly understand. — "I think not," replied Rene Descartes.          Becca Sexton      

I keep looking for the date on this post but I keep reading 1994.  Could there be something wrong with my computer, because I swear I am reading an attitude from 1594? THE FACTS:    ADOPTED CHILDREN HAVE TWO SETS OF PARENTS. No legal mumbo jumbo decrees, no misrepresentation on the part of one set of parents is going to hide this fact for long.  One day the adopted child will learn this truth.  He/she has two heritages.  Adopted children have two histories.  They have two of everything!  Neither connection can be dismissed as unimportant.  Denial of one does not increase the power of the other.  A lot of the discussions here are within the reference frame of a "natural" family in which there is one set of parents.  Just as we are redefining what the makeup of the "family unit" is so must we change our reference frame to understand that the same set of rules used to measure the "normal" family cannot be used to measure the adoption triad.  Many of the problems discussed here are brought on by an attempt by our society to force ourselves to see the adoption triad as a single unit.  The term "THE parents" is totally invalid.   I fully understand how early astronomers felt when faced with the "earth is flat" theory!  The facts are convoluted and twisted until the valid arguments are lost. Children are confused more when their perceptions are invalidated by later facts.  A child growing up with the perspective of having one heritage is thrown into a state of confusion when the reality of his/her duality is thrust upon them.  Allowing the child to grow within his/her dual environment allows them to gain a true perspective of themselves and their significance in this world. Doug

Response:

She goes out of her way to include me as much as possible in knowing him by telling me all the little details, all the cute stories, sending me pictures, etc.  I cannot imagine being deprived of this.  I think it would have taken years (maybe never) to get to the point where I am able to laugh and smile and feel joy in my life, without this open adoption. I am comforted to know that my son will never have to wonder about his heritage, wonder whether his b-parents loved him or not.  I am also truly comforted in knowing that I have placed my precious son in the hands of parents who are so thoughtful, loving and nurturing. Janet Ok but why all the second hand accounts? Do you have a relation ship with your child?  I get the feeling from your post that your child has never met you is this fair for him/her.  You get an open adoption but what about the child? Do they just get a box of letters? Email Please

Response:

: I am comforted to know that my son will never have to wonder about his : heritage, wonder whether his b-parents loved him or not.  I am also : truly comforted in knowing that I have placed my precious son in the : hands of parents who are so thoughtful, loving and nurturing. : Janet : Ok but why all the second hand accounts? Do you have a relation ship with your : child?  I get the feeling from your post that your child has never met you is : this fair for him/her.  You get an open adoption but what about the child? Do : they just get a box of letters? I think there is something here that you don’t understand.  Take a few minutes to think about the confusing messages you would be sending to a child, introducing him to his birth mother.  I feel that we’d be opening the door to some potentially very serious problems for the adoptee.  His/Her position in the family, security and ‘place’ in the family could be threatened, in his own perception.  All the support and love in the world cannot guarantee that a child will accept the fact that he is in a secure environment when a _second_ mother arrives on the scene. I am an adoptee, and have had a letter to the agency I was adopted through sitting in my files for four years, since I was 25.  That’s the age in Tennessee at which time birth records can be opened.  I am still not ready to mail that letter, and I feel that _I_ am _the only person_ who should have a voice in that decision. You imply that not having a relationship with your birth mother would be some kind of short change situation.  I completely disagree.  A child only requires one set of parents, and if, eventually, the birth parents are located, a good situation can be made even better.  But please, please don’t subject the adoptees to things that they cannot possibly understand. — "I think not," replied Rene Descartes.          Becca Sexton      

Response:

I’m reading with interest aboutrights of the birth parents vs rights of the adoptive parents.  Well there also the rights of the child to be considered.   It’s not a cut and dried issue.  All three rights are intertwined.   When a B-Mother gives up her child, does this mean she gives up all memory, all love and all things pertaining to that child.  You cant erase the memories.   The adoptive parents must have the interests of the child in mind before all else.  That is primarily why they are adopting…..to love this child they will call their own.  Love requires that this child’s best interests are fostered and pursued.   We can no longer permit a system to continue that deprives a child of his biological heritage.  Closed adopted usually is just such a system.   One needs to know about one’s roots in order to be whole.   When adoptive parents foster a love that permits knowledge about a child’s roots, thes a-parents are truly loving their child.  For he or she is their child.   They care and nuture, they laugh and cry, they experience life with their child.   I was adopted at the age of four.  I truly love my adoptive family.  they are my very own.   I recently found my B-mother.  And my adoptive family rejoiced with me.   The experience gave me such a new level of fulfillment in my life that I feel more than whole…..I have a wonderful family that now extends to my B-mother and my half sisters, and uncles and aunts and cousins and cultural heritage. The child, as Kahil Gibran writes, is but an arrow in the bow of his parents.   Regards to all who read this post. Bill Kokesch (by the way Kokesch is my adoptive family name, the one I will carry until I die  with lots of pride and love.)

Response:

Bill Said: (regarding our discussuions of rights) …All three rights are intertwined.  (b’mom/a’parentts/child) When a B-Mother gives up her child, does this mean she gives up all memory, all love and all things pertaining to that child.   You cant erase the memories.  

That is primarily why they are adopting…..to love this child they will call their own.  Love requires that this child’s best interests are fostered and pursued.   We can no longer permit a system to continue that deprives a child of his biological heritage.  Closed adopted usually is just such a system.  

(stuff deleted) Bill Kokesch (by the way Kokesch is my adoptive family name, the one I will carry until I die  with lots of pride and love.)

Thank you bill for an elegant expression. Unfortunately many people on this board feel that "open adoption" is simply sending a post-card to the agency once a (pick one: month/quarter/year/decade) What you say of the voids are quite true.  WITH REAL open adoptions you dont have that. no wondering (from the kid why he whas abaandoned? from the b’mom on whtere the a’family is joel rifkind or not),etc. I really thank you again

Response:

writes: We can no longer permit a system to continue that deprives a child of his biological heritage.  Closed adopted usually is just such a system.  

Bill, I’m not sure we should prohibit ("no longer permit") any option that people might wish to pursue.  My wife and I were both adopted within the "closed" system, and neither of us feels deprived of anything, nor do we fell less loved for it.  This does not invalidate the feelings of others, like yourself, who feel otherwise.  I’m simply suggesting that while closed adoptions _can_ result in feelings of deprivation, it’s not necessarily the case that they _will_. When my wife and I started to approach the adoption process, we both agreed from the start that open adoption was in the interest of our family (children included), and pursued an option that remains closed. This was our carefully considered choice; we wouldn’t impose it on anyone else, and we would not want it taken away from us.  I would also thank you not to judge our love, or our commitment to our children’s happiness, on this one subjective criterion. Sorry if this seems strongly worded; I respect your preference, but not your willingness to control mine. Doug Knowles                                All opinions strictly my own. Language Products Group                            Nobody else wants ‘em. Symantec Corporation

Response:

 M{ I’m reading with interest aboutrights of the birth parents vs rights  M{ of  the adoptive parents.  Well there also the rights of the child to  M{ be  considered.   It’s not a cut and dried issue.  All three rights are  M{ intertwined.    M{ When a B-Mother gives up her child, does this mean she gives up all  M{ memory, all love and all things pertaining to that child.  You cant  M{ erase  the memories.    M{ The adoptive parents must have the interests of the child in mind  M{ before  all else.  That is primarily why they are adopting…..to love  M{ this child  they will call their own.  Love requires that this child’s  M{ best interests  are fostered and pursued.   Very beautifully put.  I am a b-mother with an open adoption.  I placed my child when he was 2 years old.  His a-mother is an adoptee.  I am as well.  We both know how important it is for an adoptee to know of his/her biological heritage.  My son’s a-mother did a search for her b-parents.  With much pain, she found out that her b-mother had passed away.  She was however fortunate enough to find other b-relatives and cherishes her extended family.  Through her b-relatives she learned of what her b-mother went through in her decision of the adoption.  I believe it is because of this knowledge that she is so very thoughtful of my feelings and rights also.  She has been the most instrumental person in my healing.  I live with pain daily as I am not able to experience the joy of holding my son, of seeing his smiles, his growth. She goes out of her way to include me as much as possible in knowing him by telling me all the little details, all the cute stories, sending me pictures, etc.  I cannot imagine being deprived of this.  I think it would have taken years (maybe never) to get to the point where I am able to laugh and smile and feel joy in my life, without this open adoption. I am comforted to know that my son will never have to wonder about his heritage, wonder whether his b-parents loved him or not.  I am also truly comforted in knowing that I have placed my precious son in the hands of parents who are so thoughtful, loving and nurturing. Janet ___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.12

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